![]() ![]() "Over time, they may notice that they don't have that many friends, or have short-lived relationships, aren't advancing in their careers, or often feel lonely and disconnected. "It's normal and natural to not want to spend as much time with someone who is self-centered and a poor listener," she says. But don't expect overnight results, and change will only happen if they want it to. While a full-on ghosting is generally bad relationship practice, Bobby says it's possible to "assist" a selfish person in examining their own behavior by reigning in the time and energy you spend on them. "We have to check ourselves to see if we’re trying to get our needs met by someone who isn’t willing or able to." Your radio silence can speak volumes. "There’s a saying, 'don’t go to the hardware store for milk,'" she continues. Yes, You Can Say No Without Feeling Guilty.5 Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissist.But we also have to be prepared for the other person to not be able to meet us there." ![]() "If someone in our lives isn’t showing up for us, we can make a direct request around balance. "This is really less about managing another person, and more about setting a boundary around what you’re available for and how you react," says Nancy Levin, life coach and author of the upcoming book Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free. You can only control your own actions, not anybody else's. While you can certainly try to have a thoughtful conversation, "generally speaking, more often than not, attempts to directly confront self-centered behavior and ask for improvement results in defensiveness, minimization and often, unproductive conflict," says Bobby. "When people react badly to the people with low emotional intelligence, the latter will often feel genuinely surprised, offended, and even victimized," Bobby explains. That lack of self-awareness means that any talking-to about their perceived misbehavior may be poorly received-particularly if this is the first they're hearing of it. The friend or family member who turns every conversation into a monologue probably doesn't realize that they're annoying you at all, since they're not great at picking up others' social cues. Likewise, people who have arrived in adulthood without the easy ability to understand or value the emotions of others tend to be products of their environment." Calling out selfish behavior may backfire. "In this way, thoughtful and compassionate people are not born, they're made. "In contrast, from earliest childhood, highly empathetic people have had their feelings and thoughts reflected back to them, and at least respected," Bobby continues. "One symptom of low emotional intelligence is the tendency to be self-absorbed, or exclusively concerned about what you're thinking, feeling, needing and wanting, instead of the thoughts, feelings, needs and desires of others." "Emotional intelligence exists on a spectrum, and some individuals are higher in emotional intelligence than others," says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a Colorado-based marriage counselor, therapist, and life coach. So how do you break the cycle with someone who seems terminally self-absorbed? Here's what two experts say about dealing with selfish people-and how to improve your relationships with them. Or you've planned thoughtful dates a dozen times over, while your significant other hasn't done the same in.well, ever. A family member constantly asks for favors, yet they're conveniently busy when you're in a jam. Every relationship has some give and take-but what do you do when you've realized someone in your life is mostly take, and no give? Perhaps it's been one-sided for awhile, or maybe things have gradually evolved into a toxic dynamic: You meet a friend for catch-up drinks, and they unload for thirty solid minutes (and "forget" to ask how you are). ![]()
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